E-GUIDE

Ten things to never do after a breakup

LET GO: It is better to speak to someone instead of bottling up your emotions

By: Manju Chandran

HOW TO THINK STRAIGHT AFTER A RELATIONSHIP ENDS AND HEAL

by GURJ LONDON

A RELATIONSHIP ending can be tough and a breakup happening in lockdown is especially difficult.

Many more may occur as the world begins to open back up again in 2021. When a split does happen, it becomes so painful for some that they are not able to think straight and may behave irrationally, which will result in further pain. Although the key is self-care and loving yourself, many find themselves getting dragged into a world of ghosting, gaslighting and going down a decidedly dark path.

With social media in play, it has become harder than ever to have a clean breakup and prevent those self-inflicted wounds from happening.

So, Eastern Eye presents 10 things not to do after a breakup, to help you think straight and focus on yourself.

Social media stalking: This is the first thing you will want to do and absolutely should not. Stalking an ex on social media is an absolute no and will increase any pain you are feeling. No good will come out of analysing a former flame’s timeline with friends and making assumptions about a new partner. Remember, you will not be able to move on if you keep looking back. It’s unhealthy for your growth and can become an obsession. Allow time for things to cool down and the first step is disconnecting from any incendiary social media posts of a former flame.

Online tantrums: Disconnecting from the social media of an ex doesn’t mean broadcasting all the gory details on your own timeline. Going from loved-up posts to suddenly lashing out is embarrassing and immature. What may be painful for you, may become entertainment for others and ammunition for those who don’t wish you well. Vent, lash out, punch something, but don’t do it in a public arena and give your ex the satisfaction. Keep it classy.

Bottle up: Retreating into a corner alone and drowning your sorrows in a tub of ice-cream or comfort food is okay, but it’s important to know your limits and don’t turn it into a habit. Don’t bottle up emotions and speak to someone, whether it is a trusted relative, friend or in more serious cases a therapist. Someone will always listen. You can also write it down, to express how you are feeling and release any pain. You are only human after all. If all else fails, cry it out with your dogs!

Get revenge: If the split wasn’t initiated by you, then there will be feelings of hurt, betrayal and heartbreak. This shouldn’t lead to destructive actions you will regret. Yes, you may get a moment of satisfaction, but in the long run you will feel bad and may lose something precious, like your humanity. In more serious cases, you may get prosecuted. If you really loved somebody you wouldn’t want to wish any harm on them. If you do want to do that, then it wasn’t real and you should move on. When sadness turns to anger, don’t act on it! Punch something in the gym if needed or scream loudly in an empty open space, if it helps.

Keep in contact: Staying friends may seem like a good idea, but no good will come out of it in the immediate aftermath of a broken relationship. It is like being in the presence of a recently burned down house and pretending all is okay. Take the necessary steps towards closure, which includes disconnecting from your ex and those closest to them, such as relatives. Send whatever needs to be returned through a friend and make room for someone who appreciates you. Know your boundaries and find new happiness.

Be in denial: Remember, it is okay not to be okay. Don’t pretend you are okay if you are not. Breakups are like bereavements and similar to suffering a huge loss, so allow yourself the time to grieve and take time to accept the reality and the only way to do that is not be in denial, which will only play with your thoughts and emotions. Accept it is over and let someone know if you are not okay.

Rebound: Bouncing into someone else’s arms is basically a distraction you think will help you get over an ex, but it won’t. You will regret it. Trying to fill a void with fake feelings is unfair on you and the other party involved. Take time to heal and don’t rush into anything, which you will regret later. Distract yourself with light flirting if needed, but don’t go beyond that until you are thinking straight again.

Blame yourself: No good will come from running through hundreds of scenarios and thinking it was your fault. Both parties are usually to blame when a relationship doesn’t work and sometimes it’s outside forces out of your control. Remember, no good ever came from self-pity, so quit blaming yourself already. Use the time constructively to think of all the positive qualities you have. Be honest and learn important lessons, but don’t beat yourself up over it.

Stop loving yourself: A split may make you feel bad about yourself. Remove those negative thoughts and put yourself first. It is now more important than ever to love yourself. Find joy in your own life and concentrate on things that make you happy. As the great Rupaul says, ‘if you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else’.

Give up: Last, but definitely not least, don’t give up on love or yourself. It may not seem like it now, but love is out there and waiting for you. Remember, things happen for a reason and it may just be the universe preparing you for something better. Learn any lessons from this situation and use this time to become more prepared for any future relationship. The recovery will happen, so be patient, count your blessings and focus on the now. Believe in yourself. You’ve got this!

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