Skip to content 
Search

Latest Stories

It’s ok to say ‘no’

It’s ok to say ‘no’

by Mita Mistry

IT’S human nature to want to make others happy and it is wonderful to spread joy, but at what point does it become unhealthy?


In a recent article, Bollywood actress turned writer Twinkle Khanna eloquently discusses how hard it is to say no and it’s something that continues to rear its head during my work with clients in therapy. Interestingly, this tendency seems more apparent among south Asian women. But why? Many of us have been raised to be helpful, kind and to self-sacrifice our needs. It’s ingrained in our culture to serve others. And while it is great to strive for harmony in relationships or selflessly put others before yourself, there’s actually a lot of negative emotion attached to it.

Not only do you want to please people, but you feel a huge amount of guilt and anxiety when you can’t. You fear being judged. You might think you are not good enough and fear disapproval. You don’t want conflict as being the brunt of someone’s anger is unpleasant and best avoided. So, you end up saying “yes” even when you mean “no”. Eventually, you feel resentful and exhausted from constantly giving. You end up letting people down because you are overstretched, which perpetuates the entire cycle.

But you would think in 2021, expectations placed on women to make everyone happy would be a thing of the past, but sadly, it is still the case. Notions like “I shouldn’t eat before the children” or “I shouldn’t wear what I want to” are ever-present.

And unhelpful judgments about what makes a good wife, mother, sister or daughter only add to the guilt we might already be carrying. it raises the question, is it surprising south Asian women are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety than any other group when we are loaded with guilt and fear? And how do we unlearn this conditioned thinking?

A great place to start is by challenging any people pleasing tendencies. Listen to your gut feeling and if your inner voice says it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t for you. You don’t have to respond with a “yes” immediately to a request. It’s ok to take time to reflect. Take a step back, just breathe and observe your thoughts. Are you agreeing because of a desire to be kind? Or do you feel pressured to say yes? Are you worried about being judged?

It’s ok to say “no,” “not now,” or “I disagree.” It can be hard to find courage to say what you really want to, but you can do it firmly without confrontation. And people might not like it when you say no, especially if they benefit from your kindness. But even if it feels uncomfortable, sit with it. It will pass, you will get stronger and they will get used to it.

I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t respond to others’ needs, it’s fabulous that you are supportive. But, if you are willing to say no when it really matters, you will have more energy and time to make a nourishing difference in their lives and in yours. We can’t change others, so challenging people-pleasing characteristics could be a game-changing way to say “yes” to people without saying “no” to yourself.

www.mitamistry.co.uk

More For You

Amol Rajan confronts loss along the Ganges

Amol Rajan at Prayagraj

Amol Rajan confronts loss along the Ganges

ONE reason I watched the BBC documentary Amol Rajan Goes to the Ganges with particular interest was because I have been wondering what to do with the ashes of my uncle, who died in August last year. His funeral, like that of his wife, was half Christian and half Hindu, as he had wished. But he left no instructions about his ashes.

Sooner or later, this is a question that every Hindu family in the UK will have to face, since it has been more than half a century since the first generation of Indian immigrants began arriving in this country. Amol admits he found it difficult to cope with the loss of his father, who died aged 76 three years ago. His ashes were scattered in the Thames.

Keep ReadingShow less
One year on, Starmer still has no story — but plenty of regrets

Sir Keir Starmer

Getty Images

One year on, Starmer still has no story — but plenty of regrets

Do not expect any parties in Downing Street to celebrate the government’s first birthday on Friday (4). After a rocky year, prime minister Sir Keir Starmer had more than a few regrets when giving interviews about his first year in office.

He explained that he chose the wrong chief of staff. That his opening economic narrative was too gloomy. That choosing the winter fuel allowance as a symbol of fiscal responsibility backfired. Starmer ‘deeply regretted’ the speech he gave to launch his immigration white paper, from which only the phrase ‘island of strangers’ cut through. Can any previous political leader have been quite so self-critical of their own record in real time?

Keep ReadingShow less
starmer-bangladesh-migration
Sir Keir Starmer
Getty Images

Comment: Can Starmer turn Windrush promises into policy?

Anniversaries can catalyse action. The government appointed the first Windrush Commissioner last week, shortly before Windrush Day, this year marking the 77th anniversary of the ship’s arrival in Britain.

The Windrush generation came to Britain believing what the law said – that they were British subjects, with equal rights in the mother country. But they were to discover a different reality – not just in the 1950s, but in this century too. It is five years since Wendy Williams proposed this external oversight in her review of the lessons of the Windrush scandal. The delay has damaged confidence in the compensation scheme. Williams’ proposal had been for a broader Migrants Commissioner role, since the change needed in Home Office culture went beyond the treatment of the Windrush generation itself.

Keep ReadingShow less
Eye Spy: Top stories from the world of entertainment

Ed Sheeran and Arijit Singh

Eye Spy: Top stories from the world of entertainment

Ed Sheeran and Arijit Singh’s ‘Sapphire’ collaboration misses the mark

The song everyone is talking about this month is Sapphire – Ed Sheeran’s collaboration with Arijit Singh. But instead of a true duet, Arijit takes more of a backing role to the British pop superstar, which is a shame, considering he is the most followed artist on Spotify. The Indian superstar deserved a stronger presence on the otherwise catchy track. On the positive side, Sapphire may inspire more international artists to incorporate Indian elements into their music. But going forward, any major Indian names involved in global collaborations should insist on equal billing, rather than letting western stars ride on their popularity.

  Ed Sheeran and Arijit Singh

Keep ReadingShow less
If ayatollahs fall, who will run Teheran next?

Portraits of Iranian military generals and nuclear scientists, killed in Israel’s last Friday (13) attack, are seen above a road, as heavy smoke rises from an oil refinery in southern Teheran hit in an overnight Israeli strike last Sunday (15)

If ayatollahs fall, who will run Teheran next?

THERE is one question to which none of us has the answer: if the ayatollahs are toppled, who will take over in Teheran?

I am surprised that Iran’s supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Hosseini Khamenei, has lasted as long as he has. He is 86, and would achieve immortality as a “martyr” in the eyes of regime supporters if the Israeli prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu, succeeded in assassinating him. This was apparently Netanyahu’s plan, though he was apparently dissuaded by US president Donald Trump from going ahead with the killing.

Keep ReadingShow less