Fixing the future

by Amit Roy

DESPITE all the evidence to the contrary, Lord Swraj Paul predicts that the Commons will ultimately vote for Theresa May’s Brexit deal on December 11.

The arithmetic suggests, however, that parliament will reject the deal. But equally, there isn’t a Commons majority for crashing out of European Union without a deal or a second referendum or a general election. And being able to renegotiate the deal has been categorically ruled out by the EU.

It was painful watching May being attacked in the Commons, especially by malcontents from her own side, and in a manner reminiscent of bullies picking on a vulnerable child in the school playground.

Would they have dared do that had the prime minister been a man educated at Eton and Oxford?

I fell back on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s wisdom in The Sign of Four where Sherlock Holmes (not to be confused with Benedict Cumberbatch) tells Dr Watson: “How often have I said to you that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth?”

But on this occasion, Watson would point out: “The problem in  this case, Holmes, is that nothing remains, improbable or otherwise.”

But can that really be the case? Britain might be badly damaged by Brexit, but as a nation, it surely cannot cease to exist. Something is bound to happen. Say in the year 2118, Doctor Who goes back 100 years in the Tardis to witness what that something would be.

Perhaps in order to fix the future and prevent the catastrophe about to overwhelm the country, Dr Who makes Jacob Rees-Mogg, Boris Johnson, Priti Patel and the others vote in favour of Mrs May’s deal.

They are convinced by her speech: “I said that we would leave the customs union; we are leaving the customs union. I said that we would leave the single market; we are leaving the single market. I said that we would leave the common agricultural policy; we are leaving the CAP. I said that we would leave the common fisheries policy; we

are leaving the CFP. I said that we would bring an end to free movement; we are bringing an end to free movement. I said that we would cease the jurisdiction of the European Court of Justice in the UK, and we are doing that as well. We are delivering, I believe, on the vote of the British people, but doing it in a way that protects their jobs.”

And Dr Who would also fix it so that May’s hero, Geoffrey Boycott, is not run out by Ian Botham.