My top Ten

By Hyde Panesar

MY LATEST show is a work in progress called #99 Problems But My Beard Ain’t One. The new standup show talks about living in a multicultural society with and without a beard. With that in mind here are 10 problems I regularly encounter. There are more, but I was only allowed to choose 10.

Reality check: People regularly ask me if my beard is real. Yes, seriously, it actually happens. Not sure why they think I would stick on a fake beard before leaving the house. Maybe they think I am trying to hide from someone, am promoting facial hair or have been photoshopped.

Ice cream: I love ice cream on a hot sunny day, but it doesn’t seem to have those strong feelings for me. I can no longer eat a 99 without a spoon. If I don’t, it looks like I just dipped my face in yoghurt or a table full of drugs.

Humidity: If you’re a fan of Friends, then you’ll know what happened to Monica’s hair in humid conditions. Well imagine having an Afro on your face. That is why I can’t travel to countries with high humidity. No amount of products can calm the beard down when the wrong weather kicks in.

Bow ties: I would like to put on a bow tie and look like James Bond as much as the next man, but I can’t wear them. First of all they won’t even be seen under the beard and if by some miracle it is, I just look like a waiter. Quite frankly I am tired of taking drinks orders from strangers.

Traffic: I hate traffic. I can’t believe it takes so long making a simple journey these days. I spend more time in traffic than at a gig sometimes. I imagine there is a slow driver at the front somewhere who is angry with society and is on a mission to cause tailbacks.

Aunties and uncles: It seems like all they are interested in is when I’m getting married and being all up in my personal business. This includes aunties and uncles who are not even related to me. One of the reasons why I grew this impressive beard was so I could go into hiding from them, but I realised that being a comedian is all I needed to say to scare them away. I might as well say I’m unemployed.

Airport security: Clearly I have spent too much time here. I think they secretly changed my name to “randomly selected” or they find my beard really attractive and see the body search as an ice-breaker.

Touching: That word alone probably sounds bad so I should explain myself. I am talking about the beard of course. Some people just stick their hands in and try to rummage around. Talking on behalf of those who have beards, please don’t do it without express permission. Maybe I should put a mousetrap in there.

Stupid drivers: They should really do a stupidity test before a driving licence is handed out. There are too many stupid drivers on the roads. Some of them randomly park in my driveway to pick up their kids from the school on my road. I don’t know anyone that goes to the school, so why do I have to suffer?

Dating: It might seem like a good idea on paper, but dating causes a lot of headaches. From awkward conversations and being under pressure to bring my A-game, to seeing her parents disapprove of my life choices it’s stressful. Maybe if I had opened a shop I would have had an easier time.