Shades of grief

by MITA MISTRY

“SOMETIMES it’s ok if the only thing you did

was breathe.” - Yumi Sakugawa

The world has changed, and normality has been replaced with uncertainty. Although it is temporary, it may not feel that way. One minute you’re feeling positive, fuelled by stories of community and kindness, and the next moment, you’re full of fear and anger around the economic implications, the loss of physical connection with loved ones and wondering when this will end. And for many, facing their worst fears of losing someone to Covid-19 looms over like a dark cloud.

As a therapist, I feel myself going through the stages of grief, as well as seeing it in people around me. But with Covid-19, the grief is so confusing. There is a storm coming, but you can’t see it so you’re switching from a state of normalcy to urgency, which is surreal in itself. We are all grieving something, and let’s face it, our sense of safety is lost.

First, there was the shock and denial; this can’t be happening and can’t affect us. Then there’s anger at people for not staying at home and following guidelines. There’s the bargaining stage – if I self-isolate will things be better? And there’s sadness of missing normality and even little things like seeing people’s smiles or faces. In this collective grieving, it’s okay to feel any of these emotions no matter how trivial it seems. Stages of grief are not linear, and nor is there a right or wrong way to grieve. When we finally accept that this is happening and this is my new reality, is where we find control and start to work out how to move forward.

It may take time before you reach this stage and that’s okay. Many people have told me “I cried today.” And naming this as grief is powerful because it helps us feel and acknowledge what’s really happening inside. When you name it, you feel it and it moves through you. Emotions need movement to be processed.

And the most helpful thing we could do right now is to remain calm by grounding ourselves in the present moment. When our minds play out worst-case scenarios like parents getting sick for example, the objective is to not brush it away, but to find balance by making yourself think of the best-case scenario like not everyone will die because we are taking the right measures. If for now all you do is breathe to stay present, that is okay.

But if you can, try and let go of what you can’t control as best as you can. What othersare doing is out of your control. Focus on what  is in your control like washing your hands, social distancing, staying at home and learning new virtual ways to work.

And perhaps, the single most important thing that can happen right now in this pandemic is that we feel our togetherness – that each one of us can help one other move through this because our pain is shared, and our grief is collective. You have a real gift to offer just by being who you are. Let yourself feel the grief and keep going. You are not alone; we will get through this.

www.mitamistry.co.uk & www.twitter.com/MitaMistry