My top 10 Legendary British Asian traits by The Native Immigrants

Cling-film on remote controls: We never under­stood the concept of putting cling-film on remote controls in our houses growing up until you realise most of our dinners were consumed in front of the telly, and this handy conception alleviated the problem of getting oil and haldi-stained fingers all over the control. At the time, ridiculous, now look­ing back, genius!

Frozen coriander in ice cream tubs: You know the scenario: You’ve come home from being out in a scorching hot summer’s day. Yes, you can con­sume copious amounts of cold water to appease your dry throat, but where’s the fun in that? In this equation, ice cream is your only true solution. You gallop down to your freezer, pull out that triple chocolate Carte D’or tub, have your spoon at the ready, open the container and it’s frozen corian­der. Cue agonising delirium.

Stupidly expensive weddings inviting everyone you’ve met: As our recent shows have covered all the chaos of our own wedding, we also put the spotlight on Asian weddings in general. The idea of one-upmanship is so prevalent in our commu­nities that families are happier to go bankrupt rath­er than have a smaller wedding than their nearest and dearest. Gone are the days of paper plates in a school hall with your uncle playing some cassettes for music, in come the helicopter entrances and Bollywood stars brought in as special guests.

Elaborate tissue boxes: Both of us experienced this growing up, and still do to this day. The mini­malist classy look gets lost in Asian houses, as the overriding concept is ‘the gaudier the better!’ Nothing encompasses that more than over-elaborate tissue boxes. In the Swami Baracus family home, we’ve still got a killer dark blue box with gold trim­mings. It’s the kind of thing you’d find as part of a lost treasure in a Sinbad film.

Copper-plated African wall clocks: As discussed on one of our shows, there was a huge African contingent of Asians that emigrated to the UK. Most of these families from countries like Kenya, Uganda and Tanzania brought over their business­es and established themselves successfully. How­ever, as a ‘tacky’ reminder of home, the great ma­jority had a copper-plated wall clock usually shaped like the African continent. If you were lucky, you may even have a 3D elephant or gazelle on there for extra authenticity!

Roman pillars on the porch: How this became a trend we’ll never really comprehend. Roman-style pillars on porches! We can understand if these were planted on six-bedroom mansions with acres of land for a garden, however the majority of these were in terraced houses or semi-detached at best. Maybe nothing says we’ve integrated more in this great nation of ours than installing some, erm, Ital­ian architecture.

Taking Indian snacks to the cinema: On episode eight of The Native Immigrants podcast, we dis­cuss Asian etiquette in cinemas, in that they don’t have any! With the worst being bringing their own pakoras and samosas to a film. Clearly popcorn, hot dogs or nachos don’t quite hit the taste buds as good as an onion bhaji. However the collective aromas from all these delicacies around you in a screen not only mean you’ll have to shower again as soon as you get home, but your clothes may need fumigating too.

Desi remedies: Clearly authenticated western medicine has zero clout around Asian circles, as not only do they refuse to take their meds as prescribed, they also stand by the miracles of desi remedies instead. Many a time have we had bruises, scrapes, illnesses, coughs, diseases, cuts and even broken limbs, and been told a glass of haldi doodh (turmeric milk) will fix that straight away. The annoying thing is it actually works to heal some of these.

Supporting Liverpool and Manchester United: As many of our listeners know, Swami Baracus is a massive Liverpool fan, as heard in the painful af­termath of their recent Champions League final defeat. However, he like thousands of other Asian football fans, have never been born or raised in Liverpool or Manchester, as in United the other popular club in this scenario. I’d like to think that as Asians we related to the working class nature of Liverpool’s industrial history, rather than the glory-grabbing rascals that we actually were growing up.

Only holidays to the motherland: Holidays back to our parental birthplaces were so common in our youth that you almost forgot there were other countries in the world that you can actually visit. We say ‘holidays’, but really these felt like torturous illness-ridden, family politics-based ordeals. Lugged around from one house to the other, cov­ered in mosquito bites with only the local stray dogs as playmates. Despite excitedly looking for­ward to the summer holidays, the start of the au­tumn school term just couldn’t come round quick enough.

• Swami Baracus and Jyojo_B host The Native Immigrants podcast. Visit: Twitter & Instagram: @Nimmigrants, Facebook: @TheNativeImmigrants and Soundcloud: @nativeimmigrants