Skip to content
Search

Latest Stories

It’s ok to say ‘no’

It’s ok to say ‘no’

by Mita Mistry

IT’S human nature to want to make others happy and it is wonderful to spread joy, but at what point does it become unhealthy?


In a recent article, Bollywood actress turned writer Twinkle Khanna eloquently discusses how hard it is to say no and it’s something that continues to rear its head during my work with clients in therapy. Interestingly, this tendency seems more apparent among south Asian women. But why? Many of us have been raised to be helpful, kind and to self-sacrifice our needs. It’s ingrained in our culture to serve others. And while it is great to strive for harmony in relationships or selflessly put others before yourself, there’s actually a lot of negative emotion attached to it.

Not only do you want to please people, but you feel a huge amount of guilt and anxiety when you can’t. You fear being judged. You might think you are not good enough and fear disapproval. You don’t want conflict as being the brunt of someone’s anger is unpleasant and best avoided. So, you end up saying “yes” even when you mean “no”. Eventually, you feel resentful and exhausted from constantly giving. You end up letting people down because you are overstretched, which perpetuates the entire cycle.

But you would think in 2021, expectations placed on women to make everyone happy would be a thing of the past, but sadly, it is still the case. Notions like “I shouldn’t eat before the children” or “I shouldn’t wear what I want to” are ever-present.

And unhelpful judgments about what makes a good wife, mother, sister or daughter only add to the guilt we might already be carrying. it raises the question, is it surprising south Asian women are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety than any other group when we are loaded with guilt and fear? And how do we unlearn this conditioned thinking?

A great place to start is by challenging any people pleasing tendencies. Listen to your gut feeling and if your inner voice says it doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t for you. You don’t have to respond with a “yes” immediately to a request. It’s ok to take time to reflect. Take a step back, just breathe and observe your thoughts. Are you agreeing because of a desire to be kind? Or do you feel pressured to say yes? Are you worried about being judged?

It’s ok to say “no,” “not now,” or “I disagree.” It can be hard to find courage to say what you really want to, but you can do it firmly without confrontation. And people might not like it when you say no, especially if they benefit from your kindness. But even if it feels uncomfortable, sit with it. It will pass, you will get stronger and they will get used to it.

I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t respond to others’ needs, it’s fabulous that you are supportive. But, if you are willing to say no when it really matters, you will have more energy and time to make a nourishing difference in their lives and in yours. We can’t change others, so challenging people-pleasing characteristics could be a game-changing way to say “yes” to people without saying “no” to yourself.

www.mitamistry.co.uk

More For You

Baffling cabinet reshuffle

Piyush Goyal with Jonathan Reynolds at Chequers during the signing of the UK–India Free Trade Agreement in July

Baffling cabinet reshuffle

IN SIR KEIR STARMER’S cabinet reshuffle last week, triggered by the resignation of Angela Rayner, the prime minister shifted Jonathan Reynolds from business and trade secretary and president of the board of trade after barely a year in the post to chief whip, making him responsible for the party.

The move doesn’t make much sense. At Chequers, the UK-India Free Trade Agreement was signed by Reynolds, and the Indian commerce and industry minister, Piyush Goyal. They had clearly established a friendly working relationship.

Keep ReadingShow less
​Dilemmas of dating in a digital world

We are living faster than ever before

AMG

​Dilemmas of dating in a digital world

Shiveena Haque

Finding romance today feels like trying to align stars in a night sky that refuses to stay still

When was the last time you stumbled into a conversation that made your heart skip? Or exchanged a sweet beginning to a love story - organically, without the buffer of screens, swipes, or curated profiles? In 2025, those moments feel rarer, swallowed up by the quickening pace of life.

Keep ReadingShow less
Comment: Mahmood’s rise exposes Britain’s diversity paradox

Shabana Mahmood, US homeland security secretary Kristi Noem, Canada’s public safety minister Gary Anandasangaree, Australia’s home affairs minister Tony Burke and New Zealand’s attorney general Judith Collins at the Five Eyes security alliance summit on Monday (8)

Comment: Mahmood’s rise exposes Britain’s diversity paradox

PRIME MINISTER Keir Starmer’s government is not working. That is the public verdict, one year in. So, he used his deputy Angela Rayner’s resignation to hit the reset button.

It signals a shift in his own theory of change. Starmer wanted his mission-led government to avoid frequent shuffles of his pack, so that ministers knew their briefs. Such a dramatic reshuffle shows that the prime minister has had enough of subject expertise for now, gambling instead that fresh eyes may bring bold new energy to intractable challenges on welfare and asylum.

Keep ReadingShow less
indian-soldiers-ww1-getty
Indian infantrymen on the march in France in October 1914 during World War I. (Photo: Getty Images)
Getty Images

Comment: We must not let anti-immigration anger erase south Asian soldiers who helped save Britain

This country should never forget what we all owe to those who won the second world war against fascism. So the 80th anniversary of VE Day and VJ Day this year have had a special poignancy in bringing to life how the historic events that most of us know from grainy black and white photographs or newsreel footage are still living memories for a dwindling few.

People do sometimes wonder if the meaning of these great historic events will fade in an increasingly diverse Britain. If we knew our history better, we would understand why that should not be the case.

For the armies that fought and won both world wars look more like the Britain of 2025 in their ethnic and faith mix than the Britain of 1945 or 1918. The South Asian soldiers were the largest volunteer army in history, yet ensuring that their enormous contribution is fully recognised in our national story remains an important work in progress.

Keep ReadingShow less
Spotting the signs of dementia

Priya Mulji with her father

Spotting the signs of dementia

How noticing the changes in my father taught me the importance of early action, patience, and love

I don’t understand people who don’t talk or see their parents often. Unless they have done something to ruin your lives or you had a traumatic childhood, there is no reason you shouldn’t be checking in with them at least every few days if you don’t live with them.

Keep ReadingShow less