Asian women who have escaped forced marriage speak out

by LAUREN CODLING

FORCED MARRIAGE victims are urging parents to “stop ruining” lives, with the increasing risk of being taken abroad to marry over the summer holidays.

July and August are typically when families travel abroad, with some making the journey to south Asia, where forced marriages are known to happen.

Last month, pupils from the Co-operative Academy of Leeds were given spoons to hide in their underwear to trigger airport metal detectors. This would allow the youngster to alert airport staff that they were being “forced into a marriage”.

Figures from the Forced Marriage Unit (FMU) showed that more than 1,000 cases of forced marriage were reported last year, with cases relating to 65 so-called “focus” countries. This could be the country where the forced marriage is supposed to take place, or where the spouse is currently residing, or both.

Pakistan (439 cases), Bangladesh (129), Somalia (91) and India (82) are the four countries with the highest number of cases last year.

Trisha Chawla*, 47, is a domestic abuse advocate who works at a refuge in southern England. She has worked with abused women for around 12 years.

A significant proportion of the women she works with are south Asian.

Chawla, who is of Indian origin herself, told Eastern Eye she has noticed a pattern of abuse

among women from the “focus” countries flagged up in the report.

She claimed that Asian parents from the UK pressure their sons to marry a girl from their home country if they are unable to find a wife in Britain. This could be mainly due to personal issues, such as drug or alcohol addiction or mental health problems, Chawla explained.

“They send their sons to countries such as Pakistan and help them to find a ‘traditional’ girl who they can marry and bring back to this country,” Chawla said.

“The mentality is that the girl (from abroad) will think twice about leaving (the marriage), as opposed to a girl born in this country.”

Ameena*, 26, is one of Chawla’s clients at the refuge. Originally from Pakistan, she was forced to marry a British man.

Ameena told Eastern Eye her spouse’s parents were keen for him to marry a “traditional Pakistani girl”.

“He wasn’t bothered who he married,” Ameena recalled. “He just wanted a bride from Pakistan.”

After “negotiating” with her parents, the couple married in Pakistan. However, a month after the wedding, her husband left for the UK and Ameena did not hear from him for two years.

In that time, Ameena gave birth to their daughter, but her husband made no effort to visit her or call to see how their baby was doing.

Recalling her feelings at the time, Ameena said she found his behaviour questionable, but convinced herself he would change. Eventually, she moved to England with her daughter to reunite with her husband.

However, she soon realised he had no interest in her or their daughter. He began to steal from her, physically abused her and started to control her movements, becoming angry when she went out. It also became apparent that he had a drug problem.

“I lived with my husband’s father and his wife, but my husband did not live with us,” Ameena said. “He would sometimes come home, but he wouldn’t stay – he would steal money to feed his drug habit.”

One day, Ameena discovered her husband had taken her child benefits cash.

“It was only £82 a month and he was taking it to buy drugs,” she said. “That was the turning point – if he could steal from own daughter, what else would he do?”

When her in-laws were on holiday, Ameena took the opportunity to leave and she was offered a room in a refuge.

But though she worried about the impact of the couple’s relationship on their young daughter, she continued to believe her husband’s behaviour would change.

Chawla said this thought process is not unusual in the women she works with in the refuge.

On average, a woman is assaulted 35 times before she first calls the police, according to domestic abuse charity Refuge.

“It is the hope the abuser is going to change,” Chawla said. “Quite often, men use the excuse of being drunk, high on drugs or stressed and women tend to believe them because they may love him or because of how sorry he appears after the abuse has taken place.”

“What we teach the women is it is an excuse – it is all about control.”

Ameena said she hopes to continue living in the UK and is waiting to hear more about her housing situation.

Nazia*, 34, is also living at the refuge. She married a British man when she was 17 years old after her father-in-law spotted her in the street while he was on holiday in Bangladesh.

Although her father was against the idea, Nazia’s brother convinced the family it was a “good decision”. She was told about the marriage 24 hours before the wedding was due to take place.

“I didn’t look at him throughout the whole ceremony,” Nazia recalled. “I didn’t see the point of seeing his face. It didn’t make a difference, I was being made to marry him anyway.”

After she became pregnant, her husband left for England and she did not see him for seven years. Nazia eventually had to move to the UK with him in 2009.

“My family said it would be an embarrassment not to go with him,” she said.

“My younger sisters were not married, and we did not want to affect their chances of marriage, so I had to go to England with him.”

As time passed, and Nazia became pregnant with her third child, her husband grew increasingly violent.

According to Refuge, a woman is more likely to be assaulted while pregnant.

“I was in a deep depression by this time,” Nazia said. “I was crying all the time. My husband left me in a one bedroom flat alone with the children, and I wasn’t allowed out.”

She had no support from her family – to this day, Nazia has hidden the details of her married life from her parents who remain in Bangladesh. She claimed she did not wish to upset them as they are both elderly.

By the time Nazia was pregnant with her fourth child, the abuse had escalated.

Finally, she reached out for help and was placed in a refuge in December 2017.

“The support I’ve received from the staff here is more than my own flesh and blood have offered me,” she said. “They are my family.”

Jane Craber*, a services manager at the refuge, said the government needs to educate the public on issues regarding domestic abuse and forced marriage.

“I would suggest letting victims know that they are believed,” Craber explained. “I would suggest making them aware that they are not alone and there is help available for them.”

She added that victims should be directed to refuges that can support them.

In 2017, 305 refuge services were recorded to be operating in England and Wales. In the refuge where they currently live, Ameena and Nazia have their own bedrooms and are given support regarding immigration, financial advice and access to a health visitor.

The dozen or so women who live in the refuge are offered counselling for both themselves and their children.

“Not all children have experienced or witnessed abuse,” Chawla said. “But that doesn’t mean they didn’t hear it.”

The women are told not to disclose their location to anyone, not even close friends or family.

This can be hard for the older children, Chawla explained, as they must start a new life from scratch. They aren’t even allowed social media accounts such as Facebook, due to the risk it can have in revealing the family’s location.

“As a mother myself, that is a hard part of the job,” Chawla admitted. “Hearing the stories of what the children have gone through, as well as the women, can be overwhelming. They turn up with a black bag and that’s all – their life is in that bag and it can be difficult to see.”

Most women stay for a period of around six months, and they are offered support for an additional three months.

Looking to the future, Nazia said her focus is her family. However, she hopes to urge Asian parents not to force their children into marriage.

A 2001 Bangladesh National Women Lawyers’ Association survey found Sylhet in Bangladesh, and Nazia’s home town, was the most hazardous area where forced marriages take place.

“It constantly happens to girls in Sylhet,” Nazia said. “Their aim is to get children married to men abroad as they see it as an affluence thing. They aren’t seeing the reality of what is happening to these girls. My life is ruined. I can’t go back to Bangladesh because of the shame.

“I love my children, but this isn’t the life I planned for myself.”

*Names have been changed to protect identities of victims and refuge staff.